Deprived and Depraved: When Being an Attentive Parent is Making You Sexless and Crazy

Note: The following stories are true; the characters’ names have been changed to protect any lingering scraps of their personal dignity.

Elizabeth Shapiro is a caring mother.  She doesn’t want her children unnecessarily exposed to germs and disease, so she expends excessive time every day mummy wrapping and unwrapping  the little darlings just to go in and out of the house.  They’re still too young to leave at home, so she has to take them grocery shopping and elsewhere with her, which involves pitching a literal tent of germ protection over both child and shopping cart.  …A tent.  Every time.

You can imagine how hard it is to simply buy a new dress, when living like this.

Jack Kezios is a sixth grader at a small, new, private middle school for the academically gifted.  As many sixth graders are, he is a bit socially awkward- not detrimentally so, he’s just in an adjustment period.  The logical parental move here would be to give the kid a little time to assimilate.  Or, if you want to jump the gun immediately, maybe get him some preemptive counseling, or get him involved in some extra-curricular group activities with like-minded kids.  …But Mrs. Kezios is a dedicated mom… so dedicated, in fact, that she chooses to quit her job strictly to start volunteering at Jacks’ school every day in order to regulate all his social interactions with the other kids.  And it doesn’t stop there.  Mrs. Kezios becomes a chaperone on every school trip, a volunteer at every event, and even a substitute when there’s a sudden teacher call-in.  …Mrs. Kezios has no life.

To put the final cherry on the top of my point, here, let’s meet Janetz Peterson- another dedicated mother.  Janetz has 4 kids, and the bulk of her time is spent driving them to and from school and extra-curricular activities.  …The part where this story should become un-relatable is when I tell you that Janetz takes her job as a mother so seriously that she doesn’t allow herself time in a day to do personal things for herself… personal things like urinating in the opulence of an indoor bathroom.  That’s right, Janetz elects to wear diapers so she doesn’t have to rob her kids of the time she selfishly needs for a “potty break.”

Lest the point of this post still remain a mystery, this is a friendly, healthy, reality check about making time for yourself, your partner, and your sex life, after having kids.

Once upon a time, your life was exciting.  You felt sexy more days than not, and you thought your partner was Amazon sizzlin’.  Then, at some point, you had kids.  And it was beautiful, but babies are demanding, people started not sleeping, not making time for one another, and not making time for themselves.  Then, before you knew it, it was downhill for everyone.

Everyone wants the best for their kids, but damning your personal and sex life is of no benefit to them, whatsoever.  When you’re unhappy, it shows.  When your relationship with your partner is strained, it shows.  And how much do you think kids appreciate mom wearing diapers when no one elses’ mom in the carpool line is… that dedicated?  Trust me, they’d rather be 5 minutes late to soccer practice.

Most importantly, in going overboard with super-parenting, you’re just hurting yourself.  So if you’ve been doing just that, it’s time to make a change!  Start this week; start now!

A crucial part of feeling rejuvenated, sexy and more in tune with your partner again is to give your sex life a little resuscitation.  We’re talking realistically and one step at a time.  Acrobatics aren’t necessary, just making a little time.

If you’re out of the groove and usually exhausted at the end of the day, don’t sweat it too much, and don’t overthink it.  Just muster up a little mojo, grab some Coconu, and know that your partner’s not expecting aesthetic perfection.  … Sporting makeup that’s deteriorated throughout the day?  No biggie- go for it!   Sporting a dirty diaper that’s deteriorated throughout the day?  Somehow not quite as alluring.  …Hair’s fallen apart- roll with it; motivation to control your bladder’s fallen apart… well, you get the point.