Because this is some serious stuff, and because anyone who has ever been totally thwarted in an attempt to capture an orgasm that you neeeeded like words can’t express knows that there is nothing funny about not being able to come, we will be getting serious in this article… very serious.
This is not another cutesy guide from Cosmo; this is a comprehensive mission! So light your torches because we will explore this abyss, illuminate every mysterious finding, utilize every piece of equipment available to us, and by God, within these pages, we WILLjourney to the center of an orgasm! …We’re going in. And we’re not leaving ‘til we come.
Part One: Stop Faking It!
It’s no national secret that when it comes to orgasms, the female variety is more complex and can often be harder to come by. We’ve read the articles, we’ve poured over the studies and we’ve purchased entirely too many copies of Cosmo. In short, it’s safe to say we all know all about it. But where does all this knowledge get us if we still can’t reliably come?
Alright, ladies, it’s way past time to get this situation under control. Let’s quit reading about all the scientific reasons why coming can be a challenge, and just make it happen, for God’s sake! Can we do it?! Oh, yes! Yes!! YES!!!
No Relax, No Climax
Miles upon miles of research data indicates a basic truth many of us are already familiar with, but are likely underestimating. The simple fact is that if you can’t relax, you can’t come. Men are built to become sexually stimulated quickly and easily. Happy birthday to them, but the best approach to achieve the female orgasm is to take a deep breath and accept that you likely need to take the longer, scenic route for this trip. (Oh, no, longer sex- pleasedon’t throw me in the briar patch…)
Feeling tense, anxious, self-conscious or otherwise uptight is a tremendous inhibitor to climaxing. Research tells us that compliments of the stresses of daily life, most women have a difficult time going from the bustle of daily activities directly into feeling sexually inclined. It’s crucial to incorporate a transitional decompression period between the two. And, no, foreplay does not count as the decompression period!
Body massages, tried and true, are great transitional activities. Spread the love, though, and don’t limit the massage to just the classic back and shoulder areas. A great tactic is to get your partner to give you a facial massage. While the idea might not seem erotic at first glance, the truth is that most of us carry enormous amounts of tension in our faces without even realizing it. Think of an average day at the office: a few stressed out brow furrows here, a few forced smiles there, and before you know it, your face has become a full time stress holster. By the end of the day, youlikely won’t even realize how tight your facial muscles have become, but your body will. It’s a chicken/egg scenario; mental stress causes you physical stress, and if you don’t alleviate it, the physical stress will morph back into mental stress. Trust me on the facial massages; they’re not just for your face.
Massages are fantastic, but the important thing is just to do something that lets you exhale the day. Take a bath, read a good magazine, watch an episode of your favorite sitcom with your partner- whatever works for you!
Now to the sex!
Research shows that a secondary reason women struggle with orgasming during sexual activity is a lack of consistent clitoral stimulation. (Shocking, no?) Clit communication is crucial; you know what feels good, so tell him! Don’t be shy about it, and don’t be afraid to get specific- remember your partner wantsto know.
One of the most common roadblocks on the way to clitoral climax occurs when a woman’s partner switches up the stimulation tactic. Any woman who has ever experienced a delayed or stunted “O” knows what I’m talking about here. …Your partner’s totally rocking you, then he suddenly switches moves; this feels great, too, but somehow the change just threw off your groove and brought you back to start on your O. For many women, this frustrating experience is all too familiar, and somehow “O, no” doesn’t quite cover it.
Luckily, there’s an easy solution to this snag. When he’s blowing your mind and/or you feel your O starting to generate, tell him in no uncertain terms to keep doing that! However you want to say it, just say it. Pleasing you is super affirming to your partner, so the helpful communication is a turn-on for two!
Let the Professional Show Him How it’s Done
If he’s trying, but somehow still missing the mark, an effective tactic is to mock how you masturbate. If the verbal directives aren’t getting the job done, show him!
If you want to jump in head first and just take the “hey baby, watch this” approach, go for it. But, if like many women, you feel a little uncomfortable with jumping straight to the “in his face” routine, you can still achieve the same effect without the overt solo performance.
During sex- and foreplay- get him to position himself in a way that compliments or mimics your usual stimulation tactics while masturbating. If you like to lie on your back and stimulate your clitoris, then get him to position himself above or beside you and use his fingers or penis to stimulate you in the same style that works for you when you’re alone. By the same token, if you like to masturbate front side down with one hand reaching under you, have him stimulate or penetrate you from behind where one or both of you can also access the clit.
If you’re going straight for the penis action, be sure to regulate the rhythm, depth and pressure so it rocks you right- and have him play with your clitoris while he’s in action! Or, feel free to do it yourself; you’rethe expert, after all.
Positioned for Perfection
There are a few great sex positions that naturally lend themselves to consistent rhythm and consistent, automatic clitoral stimulation. If you’re struggling to climax during sex, you have everything to gain by incorporating these into your normal routine. Master the moves, master the O!
Probably the simplest of these little gems is to start by lying on your back and having your partner enter you from a position of lying over you such that your bodies are nearly parallel, (as opposed to having him in more of a kneeling position in front of you.) When he is directly on top of you like this, his shaft and pubic bone will naturally massage your clit with every move, so you benefit from both clitoral and internal stimulation with every thrust- plus, it’s impossible for both not to be on the same rhythm! From here, you can easily slide your hands around his buttocks or shoulders and guide him on the speed and rhythm that gets you there.
“G” for Galactic Sex!
What would a guide to the female climax be without a section on the G-spot? Notice that this section is not featured at the beginning of this article; this is because the G-spot does not work the same for all women. While the universal existence of the G-spot has historically been debated within the scientific community, recent research concludes that all women do, in fact, have a G-spot. The variable factor is how women react to stimulation in the area. Contrary to the message of your average Cosmo article, the G-spot is not the peak erotic zone for all women; many report that G-spot stimulation is the key to unlocking the O, but plenty of women do not respond to it at all. If you fall into that group, there’s no need to worry- just carry on with whatever works for you!
If G-spot stimulation doesdo the trick, or if you’re not sure whether it does or not, you have nothing to lose by giving it a shot! To locate your G-spot, insert a finger or two into the vagina and check out the front wall. It should be located between a half inch and 3 inches into the vagina and on the “top side” vaginal wall. It will feel slightly different than the surrounding tissue, and can be described as feeling like a small patch of siding on a house. In women who respond to G-spot stimulation, stimulating this area should heighten orgasmic potential nearly exponentially.
A great tactic is to utilize a tapping motion on the G-spot. The most intense moment of stimulation on any given human surface is the initial moment of touch, so a tapping rhythm creates a sensation of continual “new” touch and excitement, building your arousal level almost uncontrollably. To get your guy in on the action, have him firmly tap or massage your G-spot in a pleasing pattern. In order to maximize your pleasure and orgasmic potential, have your guy stimulate your clit simultaneously. Once he familiarizes himself with the location of your G-spot and the sensations you enjoy, he’ll become better and better at stimulating the area during intercourse. Probably your best bet for climaxing at first is to have your partner perform oral sex while manually stimulating your G-spot. (“It’s G-gggggggreat!”
Speaking of Oral Sex…
Oral sex is a nearly indispensable part of a sexual routine, especially for women. Many women who are challenged with orgasming during sex find they can come during oral sex without much trouble. “Couple climaxing” is fantastic and there’s nothing wrong with aspiring toward it, but statistically speaking, it’s pretty rare, and this reporter is going to say there’s nothing wrong with getting your kicks when you can! Plus, the very act of climaxing automatically makes you more likely to climax again, so it’s a terrific routine to at least start the show off with some oral before proceeding to the main event.
Last, but not least
If you’re having trouble climaxing in general, spend a little quality time with yourself sometime when you won’t be rushed. Figure yourself out! Maybe peruse a little erotica online to see what pushes your buttons. (The internet is a great, wide world and there’s something for everyone out there- not all erotica is raunchy pornography!)
Most of all, remember that sex is supposed to be fun! And ultimately relaxing! And good for you! The best thing you can do for your sex life is to just relax and enjoy it.