So let’s first define what it means to be a better lover.
The first thing that likely comes to mind is, of course, sex. And yes, sex definitely figures into the whole being a “better lover” thing.
It figures in big (Not that size matters).
But sex is not the single factor in the equation. After all, “love” is the base of the word “lover.”
Still, sex does tie in. And that’s partially because all of the sensitive topics that couples need to discuss are often more interconnected than the most inventive Kama Sutra positions.
Honestly discussing sex is key in being a better lover
But since we’re already on the topic of sex, it seems as good a place as any to begin.
Are you and your partner talking about sex? Well... get to it. (Talking, that is.)
You’ll want to go into these discussions with an open heart and an even more open mind. Steer clear of anything heavy and judgmental.
You can talk sex while taking a walk, having dinner, or on a road trip.
So what do you talk about?
Well, consider tossing out some of the following questions. Even if you think you know your partner well, you might be surprised by his or her answers.
- How do you like to be touched? Do you prefer a featherlight touch or a deeper massage?
- Are there parts that you like having touched more than others?
- What little daily actions make you feel most loved?
Then you might want to go more intimate:
- Is there something new you’ve never done but want to try?
- How about something you did when you were younger but haven't done in a long time?
- Would toys or some kind of lubricant add an extra dimension?
Keep the conversation friendly and relaxed and this will foster more freedom and honesty when it comes to saying what each of you wants or needs in your sexual adventures.
2. Long-Term Goals
If you’ve already been with your partner a while, then you may have already covered this. But if you haven’t, it’s time.
Talking about long-term goals doesn’t mean grilling one another on your five-year plans. But you should know about the stuff that can make or break a relationship.
Are you equally interested (or disinterested) in marriage? What about having kids?
And keep in mind that if you’re strongly in disagreement on these or any other big ticket item topics, it warrants some serious discussion.
Because if you’re sticking around and assuming your partner will change his or her mind down the road, you’re taking a huge gamble. And that’s not true love.
This is a big one and can weave into so many aspects of your relationship.
In exposing your vulnerabilities (yes, that v-word) to one another, you strengthen your connection and thus make a better lover.
For example, you might have a fear of being cheated on based on dealing with this in a past relationship.
Don’t wait until something goes wrong to define what behavior won’t be tolerated. In this case, you could make a list of acts that you consider cheating.
Or another example would be sharing an aspect of your childhood or some other time of your life that shaped you. It might be hard to discuss past struggles, but revealing these to one another will facilitate a deeper understanding.
And when you know one another inside and out, you can only be a more attentive and better lover.
4. Sexual Frequency
Choo choo! Here comes the sex train again.
When it comes to the frequency at which you board that train, it helps to be at least on the same train car. That doesn’t mean that you each have to want to get busy in tandem all the time.
The reality is, there will be times when one of you wants it while the other has a headache. And it may happen a lot. This doesn’t have to be a major problem though.
The tendency in this case is for one or both of you to shut down. Instead, talk about it.
The “how much” of sex, like everything else in a your relationship, is about compromising.
Try maintaining a sex schedule. When you work with your partner to find the frequency that makes each of you feel most fulfilled, it creates another building block toward intimacy.
5. The Language of Love
Sex can be more than just the actual act.
Do you know when your partner feels most loved and appreciated? Is it holding hands, leaving little notes around the house, sexting?
Making a point to do these things is crucial to maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship.
According to Gary Chapman’s best-selling “The 5 Love Languages,” people give and receive romantic love in five different ways: gifts, quality time, words of affirmation or compliments, acts of service, and physical touch.
These “love languages” don’t need to be the same in order for you to communicate them with one another. Try writing down a few sentences that start with “I feel loved when...” and then share them with each other.
Also take notice of how your partner treats you when being nice. We tend to love others in the way we most like to be loved.
But if you instead model your actions after your partner’s in those moments, you’ll probably be on target for what he or she wants.
6. Follow Up
Talking about all of this isn’t like a one-night stand. You need to keep checking in with one another.
Your partner’s wants and needs will evolve over the years and what once got his or her rocks off may not be true any longer. As it turns out, the longer two people are together, the less likely they are to predict what turns their partner on.
So continued communication is crucial. Don’t be afraid to keep one another informed of changing tastes.
Above and beyond sex comes the sticky issue of money.
Anything to do with money can quickly elevate to a problem. It’s important to know where you both stand with certain things when it comes to finances.
When you are combining your lives, you’re also combining your expenses.
So talk about it before resentments build and grow around finances. That is not the recipe for being a better lover.
If your relationship is strong and steady, talking about these types of things will only reinforce this. And when both of you feel relaxed with each other, you’re BOTH going to be better lovers.
Plus, sex and intimacy are good for your health.
Do you have any tricks of the trade when it comes to being a better lover? We’d love to hear them.