What is Pillow Talk? Building Intimacy & Trust with Your Partner

Looking to take your connection with your romantic partner to the next level?

Well, with pillow talk, you can! 

Pillow talk is an intimate conversation between partners in bed. 

These cozy conversations can boost a romantic connection and work wonders for any committed relationship.

And if you're a pillow talk newbie, don't worry – we've got your back! We’ll dish on hot pillow talk topics, the not-so-hot ones and guide you on mastering pillow talk

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What Is Pillow Talk?

Pillow talk is a relaxed, intimate, usually post-coital conversation when you’re in bed with your romantic partner.

While this casual, personal banter usually happens post sexual activity and before you sleep, you can easily have pillow talk without engaging in any bedroom shenanigans! 

For instance, you could be cuddled up in bed after waking up on a Sunday morning, talking about your romantic life, or spilling your deepest secrets with your lover.

The best part?

Pillow talk is an in-depth, stress-free intimate conversation — all while bonding with your sexual partner!

Chances are, you’ll be less anxious and more inclined to speak freely and deepen your emotional connection. 

But is pillow talk strictly for couples? 

Besties can indulge in it too! In fact, it’s a beautiful form of bonding in a platonic relationship. 

Pillow talk can take a platonic relationship to a higher level by creating a safe place to share your heartfelt thoughts, free from judgment.  

Fun Fact: 

Did you know the word ‘pillow’ has been connected to physical intimacy for decades, dating back to the 1910s?

A couple tangled up in bed

What Topics Should You Talk About?

If you’re uncertain about your post sex communication skills, here are a few topics for your next pillow talk sesh:

  • Desires, dreams, and other things you want to try as a couple
  • Open up about your deepest secrets (it’s a safe space, so don’t be embarrassed!
  • What you love about each other
  • Specific fears that may need reassurance from the other person
  • Relationship milestones
  • Positive qualities to help your S.O. feel like a million bucks

Remember, pillow talk is a two-way street.

So ensure you engage with each other to boost your emotional connection! And don’t stress over the small stuff — just lead with honesty and speak with abandon.

Looking for different ways to engage in intimate talks?

Try adding a couple of these tools to up the heat in your intimate relationship:

  • Carve out your own corner of paradise by putting your phones out of sight.
  • Always try to be more touchy-feely with each other. It encourages openness, and you feel emotionally secure.

Who knows? 

You may head into round 2 of a little fun (be sure to ask for consent before going all the way!).  

If you keep the good times going, reach for your handy bottle of Coconu Water Based Personal Lubricant for extra slip ‘n’ slide!

What Topics Should You Avoid?

Always lead any intimate talk from a place of love.

With that in mind, here are some topics that should not make it into your pillow talk:

  • Hectic, stressful, or bad work days
  • General complaints
  • Arguments
  • Ex-partners or lovers
  • Major life decisions
  • Politics
  • Social media
  • Family, friends, or kids

Now we definitely don’t want you to not talk about these things.

Schedule a different time (like during dinner) to have a normal conversation to discuss each other’s work days or hash out whatever is on your mind.

Read More: Let’s talk about sex, baby, with 40 Incredible Sexual Conversation Starters.

The Science of Pillow Talk

Studies show that pillow talk directly correlates to relationship satisfaction and bonding between lovers. However, men and women may view pillow talk differently. 

According to a study by Daniel Kruger and Susan Hughes, female participants were likelier to initiate some form of pillow talk than their male counterparts. 

Question is: Why is a woman more likely to engage in post sex communication?

Here’s the deal: 

Ever heard of the love or cuddle hormone oxytocin? 

Well, it turns out that oxytocin, the hormone released during an orgasm, is responsible for that feeling of intense connection many experience after a sexual encounter.  

And here’s where things get interesting.

While both men and women release oxytocin during orgasm, research suggests that women may be more sensitive to its effects. 

This could explain why they’re more likely to initiate a conversation post coitus.

But that’s not all.   

Another study found that those with higher testosterone levels were less likely to want to indulge in pillow talk. And the presence of testosterone can suppress the feelings brought on by oxytocin.  

Read More: Discussing physical intimacy doesn’t have to be weird. We’ve got 8 Non-Awkward Tips to Talk About Lack of Intimacy with your S.O.

Pillow Talk vs Dirty Talk

What’s the difference between pillow talk meaning and talking dirty? 

Great question, since it can be a little confusing.

So, let’s clear the air:

  • Pillow talk is about tapping into each other’s vulnerabilities and ensuring a safe space for emotional intimacy. On the other hand, talking dirty is a form of foreplay that can lead to an intense sexual encounter if you and your partner or spouse find it arousing.
  • You usually engage in pillow talk after sex. But dirty talk can happen before or during sexual activity.
  • During pillow talk, the tone is loving and understanding. But dirty talk can be exciting, explicit, and sexually charged!
Read More: Need some dirty talking tips to get started? Here are 52 Dirty Talking Examples to Send Your Partner Over the Edge.

How To Start Pillow Talking

Here’s how you can start basking in that wonderful sexual afterglow:

  • Plan Ahead: While we love spontaneous pillow talk moments, many couples may need some structure to start on the right note. So, plan for about 10 minutes of conversation with premeditated topics.
  • Re-look at When You First Started Dating: Think back to what you were like, what fueled you, and what you wanted as a couple. Identify those thoughts and emotions and talk about them.
  • Incorporate Little Actions into the Conversation: Gaze into each other’s eyes, laugh, hug, kiss each other on the lips, cuddle, and reassure each other. Fostering these tiny aspects of intimacy, especially early on in a committed relationship, is great for the long term and enhances relationship satisfaction.
Read More: Find out every little thing you need to know about using Hemp Oil As A Personal Lube.

Pillow Talk Your Way To An Amazing Relationship

You probably already know some of the different ways a relaxed, intimate conversation can benefit your relationship. 

Here’s a closer look:

1. Strengthen Your Relationship

A study by Amanda Denes, Ph.D., an interpersonal relationships expert, on self-disclosure in relationships showed interesting results.

People were more likely to share positive feelings during post-sex pillow talk sessions only if there were in a satisfying romantic relationship.

And after pillow talk, individuals experienced increased trust, satisfaction, and emotional closeness with their lover. She also found that couples who reach orgasm were more likely to engage in post sex communication.

Messy bedsheets

2. Boost Bedroom Antics

Aside from doing wonders for your emotional intimacy, regular pillow talk can lead to an overall boost in your sex life.

When you're lying down, talking, caressing, and cuddling, your body releases oxytocin, which creates a feeling of love and increases intimacy. 

This, in turn, can improve the quality of sexy time for you and your spouse in the long run.

3. Navigate Relationship Challenges

Trust is an essential factor in any intimate relationship, and a part of Amanda Denes’ research included exploring how pillow talk helped when certain relationship rules were broken.

Losing trust is natural when a relationship rule is broken (maybe you did or said something mean when angry).

So, to get over an obstacle like this, you can use pillow talk as a solution.

Amanda Denes found that after a month of pillow talking, a couple experienced way better commitment and satisfaction.

Read More: Love anal play? Find out if Coconut Oil Works As Anal Lube.

Pillow Talk in Pop Culture

Pillow talk has been a strong part of pop culture.

Let’s take a look at how pillow talk has been portrayed:

1. The 1959 ‘Pillow Talk’ Film

This screwball comedy, starring Doris Day as Jan Morrow and Rock Hudson as Brad Allen, follows the funny courtship of the duo, their marriage, sex, and, ultimately, pillow talk.

The film also stars Tony Randall as Jonothan Forbes, who enters the story, changing the narrative from a duo to a love triangle. 

Fun fact:

Doris Day originally recorded the famous song Que Sera, Sera. It was released in 1965 in the  Alfred Hitchcock film ‘The Man Who Knew Too Much.’ 

2. Zayn Malik’s ‘Pillow Talk’ Song

Zayn Malik, a former One Direction singer, released his debut solo single called Pillow Talk in 2016.

The hit sailed to #1 on the Billboard charts, and the music video included his then-girlfriend, supermodel Gigi Hadid.

3. Charlotte Tilbury and the Pillow Talk Club

If you’re familiar with the world of cosmetics, this incredible woman needs no introduction! 

A makeup artist to the stars, Charlotte Tilbury first launched her iconic "Pillow Talk" lip liner in 2013. The color became an instant classic, and soon she introduced the "Pillow Talk" range to include blushes, eyeshadow palettes, and other products to complement the lips. 

3. Pillow Talk and Spying a la James Bond

On the big screen, pillow talk has also taken a more sinful (if you will) approach.

Individuals take advantage of post-sex vulnerabilities to learn top-secret information. It’s like most James Bond plots, but instead of gadgets and guns, it's all about using your charm to get what you want from the person lying beside you.

4. Limited Edition ‘Complimentary’ Pillow by Days Inn

In June 2022, iconic hotel brand Days Inn by Wyndham launched a limited edition pillow that compliments guests by pushing a button.

Wake up or go to sleep with this witty and unique Day Inn pillow that can make any guest smile.

Who wouldn’t want a pillow that compliments you whenever you need some sunshine, right?

Did You Know? 

‘Pillow talk’ is also the name of a Peony — they’re beautiful flowers with blush-pink petals that fade to white at the center, creating a captivating ombre effect.

A couple cuddling in bed

Ready To Bask In That Sexual Afterglow?

Now that you know exactly how to pillow talk your way to emotional and physical intimacy, all that’s left is to do it regularly.

The more you keep at it, the easier it will become — promise! 

Just set aside some time with your sexual partner and commit to having an engaging, intimate talk.

And, if things become steamy, place a bottle of Coconu’s Oil Based Personal Lubricant on your bedside table for easy access!