If you want a fulfilling sex life you need to talk about sex, and often.
However, it’s easier to slip under the covers than open yourself for an honest and revealing conversation on sexual satisfaction.
10 Eye-Opening Tips on How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner
Here’s the thing:
Discussing your sexual desire with your partner can seriously amp up your relationship.
Understanding your likes and dislikes will help you have great sex every time. Now that’s a win-win!
Ready for a smooth sexual conversation?
Try our 10 tips to for an invigorating sexy discussion leading to better sex:
1. Talk About Sex Early On
2. Ask Some Basic Questions
3. Find the Right Timing
4. Stick To One Topic At A Time
5. Take Ownership Over Your Big-O
6. Clarify And Explain What’s On Your Mind
7. Always Consider Your Partner’s Feelings
8. Learn How To Listen Attentively
9. Schedule Intimate Time
10. Make A List of Likes and Dislikes
1. Talk About Sex Early On
As awkward as it might feel, start talking about sex early on in your relationship. The more you wait, the harder it becomes to have a fruitful sexual conversation.
If you have certain views on intimacy, contraception, or consent (among other sexual topics), discuss them at the onset of your relationship.
(Need a refresher on what topics to discuss? Think back to what your sex educator discussed at university.)
So does this mean someone in a well-established relationship shouldn’t start discussing sex now?
Far from it — it’s better late than never is our mantra!
If you’re a couple who has been together for many years, pretend you’re meeting for the first time and start talking about (ahem!) sex.
2. Ask Some Basic QuestionsGain a deeper understanding of each other’s sexual expectations by asking some basic questions about their sexual history or preferences.
Ease into the conversation with your partner with these thought-provoking questions:
- What makes you feel sexy?
- How often do you like physical intimacy?
- Words or actions: What’s your fav bedroom antic?
- Which sexual activity makes your toes curl?
- Is there something you’ve always wanted to try in bed but haven’t yet explored?
|Read More: Get down and dirty with these 40 Naughty Sexual Conversational Starters.|
3. Find the Right TimingGood time: When you and your partner are relaxed and away from the scene of action aka the bedroom.
Bad time: When in the mood and under the sheets. Topics related to sexual satisfaction do not make good pillow talk subjects.
What’s acceptable in bed, however, is discussing kinks and fantasies you want to play out and things your partner does that make you go ‘wow’!
You should also avoid talking about sex and intimacy when your partner is:
- Walking into the house
- Hungry (or hangry!)
- In bed (or before bedtime)
4. Stick To One Topic At A TimeWhen on the roll, it may seem easier to discuss every aspect of your sex life in one go.
But that can get pretty overwhelming for you and your partner.
So, focus on having a short and targeted sex talk.
Give each other plenty of time to work through any anxiety or complex feelings.
Choose one topic at a time, work through any sexual problems or inhibitions you discover around that subject, and call it a day.
Next time, pick up another topic and repeat the process.
Here are a few topic suggestions:
- Libido changes: Each person’s sex drive goes through ups and downs — this is especially true of women experiencing menopause. If your libido doesn’t align with your partner’s, be honest about how it makes you feel. And remember, there are many physical and mental aspects to consider if sex drive is low. So, if you need to consult a professional, please do so.
- Desire and Fantasy: Communicate to your S.O. what turns you on and what sexual fantasy you want to try. Sharing this will keep your sex life fresh, irrespective of whether you act on them or not.
- Sexual health and STIs: Always take a pragmatic approach when discussing sexual health and sexually transmitted infections. This is vital if you’re with a new partner, in an open relationship, or have multiple partners. Discussing getting tested can feel intrusive, but the alternative (catching an STI) is much worse.
- Birth Control and Safe sex: Conversations about birth control and safer sex should not be limited to women. All partners should take responsibility and be aware of the risks of not having safe sex and what birth control options are available. After all, it takes two to tango!
- Sexual dysfunction: If you or your partner are experiencing sexual dysfunctions, you must discuss it and take suitable action. Sexual dysfunction can include erectile dysfunction, low confidence, premature ejaculation, inability to achieve orgasm, painful sex, distressing sexual thoughts, etc.
|Read More: Discover how you can Combat Painful Sex After Menopause and get back to having great sex.|
5. Take Ownership Over Your Big-OThe key to healthy sex life is figuring out your own sexual need and pleasure rather than your partner's.
Thinking, ‘Oh, I’ve got to please my partner,’ will only give you performance anxiety.
Switching your point of view and returning the focus to your sexuality and pleasure will transform your bedtime shenanigans.
Here’s why focusing on your own sexual pleasure is so effective in the bedroom:
- No need to criticize your S.O. for not getting you off. If you take ownership of your orgasm, you have the power to ensure you climax. (Side note: Pleasurable sex doesn’t always mean reaching the big-O.)
- You’re not distracted by anxiety — you’re in the moment, enjoying every minute.
- It becomes easier to communicate your likes and dislikes (once you determine what these are for yourself.) Remember, good communication can always lead to breathtaking sexual activity.
All couples will experience one or more of these sexual styles during physical intimacy at one point or another.
- Spiritual: You deeply appreciate your partner on a mind-body-soul level. Enhance your spiritual connection by noticing the small things in your life.
- Angry: Sex can be quite therapeutic when you’re angry — just make sure both of you discuss the issues afterwards.
- Funny: Teasing, laughing, and having fun are the key to this sexual style.
- Tender: You feel romantic and gentle and prefer healing sex that incorporates physical touch like intimate massages and light touching.
- Lusty: This sexual style is about being flirty and seductive, focusing on the physicality of sex. It includes quick sex in settings outside of your norm, using a sex toy with or without lube, and more.
- Fantasy: You feel experimental and daring with this sexual style. Incorporate fantasy with your partner by setting ground rules and honoring the other’s limits.
6. Clarify And Explain What’s On Your MindNot in the mood for sex?
Explain why to your partner, no matter how mundane it might sound.
If verbal communication doesn’t suit you, consider writing it down so you’re clear about what’s on your mind.
Another way to communicate to your sexual partner is with visuals. Some couples use pornography via books, videos, and images to communicate likes and dislikes.
|Read More: Does Lube Expire? Find out if your personal lubricant is too old to use.|
7. Always Consider Your Partner’s FeelingsIt’s easy to sound accusatory when discussing sex or any sexual issue, even if you don’t mean to.
A good workaround is to change your approach to consider your partner's feelings, starting by using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ in your sentences.
This can sound something like:
- ‘I feel…’ instead of ‘You make me feel….’
- ‘I love it when….’ instead of ‘Don’t do….’
- Fact: ‘I noticed you enjoy….’
- Feeling: ‘I feel that….’ or ‘...felt really good.’
- Fair request: ‘Let’s do ….. again?’
Wherever possible, elaborate when you had good sex or something felt great. That way, both parties know better the next time you’re in the mood for a mind-blowing sexual experience!
8. Learn How To Listen AttentivelyWhen discussing sex and intimacy, it’s easy to get caught up in your thoughts.
We get it — you need to deliver everything on your mind clearly.
But chances are you’re not listening to your partner’s responses. If this isn’t nipped in the bud, it can become one of your biggest problems in communication!
So, how do you get out of your head and pay attention to what your partner is saying?
- Stay present and tune in to what they’re saying.
- Be curious but park any emotional responses.
- Accept what they’re saying — everyone has a perspective that may differ from yours.
|Read More: Want to take your next sexual encounter to the next level? Use a CBD Oil As Lube (yes, that’s right!).|
9. Schedule Intimate Time
Over time, couples experience a difference in sex drive from factors like fatigue and stress.
While spontaneous sex and intimacy are always fun, sometimes it’s prudent to schedule some alone time with your sexual partner.
This doesn’t always have to lead to sex — you can set a date to spend time being intimate without the pressure of sex.
10. Make A List of Likes and DislikesIf you and your partner are trying to figure out what new activities to add to your sex life, try making a list with three categories:
- Yes: I definitely want to try this.
- No: I definitely do not want to try this.
- Maybe: I’m uncertain if I’d enjoy it, but I’m open to discussing it more.
List out the sexual activities you both are interested in trying, then note down yes, no, or maybe for each item.
Do this separately, then compare to see what desires overlap. Some of these items could be oral sex, spanking, threesomes, nipple play, role-playing, and more.
Talk Your Way Into A Great Sex Life!Open communication is key to a great sex life and a healthy relationship.
Your intimacy will only increase once you’re both on the same page and truly understand each other.
But if you’re struggling with communicating as a couple, consult a sex therapist or sex coach for extra guidance.
And if you’re looking to ramp up sexual intimacy with lube, check out the Coconu range of sexual lubricants for great sex.
(PS - they’re great with a sex toy!).